OCD: Written and performed by Neil Holborn
The first time I saw her,
Everything in my head went quiet. All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared. When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don’t really get quiet moments. Even in bed, I’m thinking: Did I lock the doors? Yes. Did I wash my hands? Yes. Did I lock the doors? Yes. Did I wash my hands? Yes. But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips.. Or the eyelash on her cheek-- the eyelash on her cheek-- the eyelash on her cheek. I knew I had to talk to her. I asked her out six times in thirty seconds. She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right, so I had to keep going. On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating it, or talking to her.. But she loved it. She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times at different times of the day. She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk. When we moved in together, she said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely lock the door eighteen times. I’d always watch her mouth when she talked-- when she talked-- when she talked-- when she talked; when she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges. At night, she’d lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off... And on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off. She’d close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were passing in front of her. But then... She said I was taking up too much of her time. That I couldn’t kiss her goodbye so much because I was making her late for work... When she said she loved me, her mouth was a straight line... When I stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking... And last week she started sleeping at her mother’s place. She told me that she shouldn’t have let me get so attached to her; that this whole thing was a mistake, but... How can it be a mistake that I don’t have to wash my hands after I touch her? Love is not a mistake, and it’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can’t. I can’t go out and find someone new because I always think of her. Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin. I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars.. And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on. I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel... How she turns shower knobs like she opening a safe. How she blows out candles-- blows out candles-- blows out candles-- blows out candles-- blows out—…. Now, I just think about who else is kissing her. I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once—he doesn’t care if it’s perfect! I want her back so bad... I leave the door unlocked. I leave the lights on. |
Neil Holborn: Biography
"Button Poetry: Floral Thoughts." "Neil Hilborn, "The Future" Button Poetry, n.d. Web. 01 Mar. 2015.
Neil Hilborn is a College National Poetry Slam Champion, and a 2011 graduate with honors from Macalester College with a degree in Creative Writing. Neil was a member of the 2011 Macalester Poetry Slam team, which ranked first in the nation. He co-coached the 2012 Macalester team, leading them to a second place finish nationally. He was also a member of the Minneapolis adult National Poetry Slam team in 2011, which placed 5th out of 80 teams from cities across the country at the adult National Poetry Slam. In August of 2013, his poem "OCD" went viral, garnering over 7 million views to date, making it one of the most-viewed poems on YouTube. *Regarding the poem: "We always talk about “writing as therapy,” and in my case it definitely helps with OCD symptoms. I wrote the poem at a time in my life in which I was having a lot of difficulty with my OCD. The first time I performed it in front of an actual crowd, the obsessions got quieter and the tics got much easier to ignore. Even today, I feel a sense of calm every time I perform the piece." Poem Analysis
In the poem "OCD" by Neil Hilborn, Hilborn examines his relationship with his past girlfriend. He indicates that his affection for her has motivated himself to recuperate and abandon past rituals from his OCD behavior. On the other hand, it results in her leaving because she could not handle the pressure that came with being involved with a person with mental illness. This reminded me of Edna in The Awakening, who has a history marked by infatuations that eventually results in a slight crush on Robert LeBrun. Although the crush had implied innocence, it resulted in their declaration of love for one another. Reality set in, indicating they had diverse needs: Edna needed freedom, Robert wanted marriage. In like manner, Neil needed his association with his girlfriend yet she needed to break free from the majority of his psychological "baggage." Both Robert and Neil's girlfriend depart, leaving Edna and Neil to sit alone and involuntarily independence. Another event that both works have in common is that both Edna and Neil struggled to adapt to the loss of their loved one. While Neil breaks each obsessive compulsive ritual that he's practiced, in the occasion his girlfriend returns, Edna also finds herself bringing an end to old propensities by no longer taking in account other peoples' desires. However, both end up in profound sadness, Neil left alone and Edna left for suicide.
Several rhetorical strategies within this spoken word are repetition, shift in tone, and the reflection of said repetition. Redundancy is fundamental to this poem because it perfectly illustrates the mentality of one with OCD. Their brains are consistently filled with undesirable thoughts, repeated throughout the day, thus it is coherent and really cunning to use repetition. Neil utilizes repetition to portray his daily routine, to accentuate the thoughts of his girlfriend, and what his perception of their relationship is. He then reflects on his redundancy of his activities by making claims, such as, “I asked her out six times in 30 seconds,” “I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times at different times of the day,” and even “I can’t even breathe because he only kisses her once-he doesn’t care if it’s perfect.” This truly shows his mental stability within the situation because even when she helped him recover from some aspects of his OCD, it still assumed a noteworthy part on their relationship. |